How not to cook a troll.

Trolls are unpleasant unless great care is taken in the preparation and cooking.  You must use freshly caught trolls for all these recipes.  Frozen and canned trolls just do not have the same flavour or excitement.


Low Point Summer Troll Soup

This one works out at 2 Weight Watchers points per portion.
First catch your troll. This isn't difficult, they are very stupid.
Truss it up nice and tight and go and have a bath. Put your biggest pot
on the stove and pour in 5 gallons of vegetable stock. Bring it to the
boil then take it off the heat.


10 lbs of spring onions, sliced finely
14 Savoy cabbages, shredded as if for cole slaw
a pint of soy sauce
a bottle of Tabasco
12 bags of bean sprouts
21 bags of Amoy Straight To Wok noodles

Allow to cool completely and add 23 grated cucumbers. Stir well. Chill
(or heat up again gently later if you like your soup hot).

Serve to all your friends: this is the only soup you *CAN* eat with

Wot troll? Oh, THAT troll! Oh, it died, so I stuffed it under the
compost heap and planted melons on it. They're doing rather well...


This recipe was first posted in The Shed, and is therefore for large numbers of peeples and is rather eccentric.


To make soup rather than stew, add 12 pints of vegetable stock and another bottle of Tabasco...

Don ex RAF NBC kit found in old Lard Rover behind hayrick some time in the last century. Have to hand one large wooden mallet.
Lie in wait for a few minutes behind Ye Shedde... When the troll shambles past, bop it once or twice on the kneecap until it falls over: truss with baling wire. Leave on one side for the nonce.
Discard NBC kit, and let the designated cooks don rubber gloves...

Build a large bonfire on a handy beach, and on it prop a goodly sized cauldron. When the fire is good and hot, arrange several sacks of big spuds in round the edge... Pour one pint of olive oil into the cauldron. In turn, as you chop them, add the following ingredients:

4 kilos of Spanish onions
8 strings of garlic
43 red peppers
1 lb little hot red chillies, including the seeds
12 heads of celery
Give everything a good stir each time you add to the pot.

Then add:

12 large cans of red kidney beans, drained and rinsed
12 large cans of chick peas, similarly treated
12 large cans of chopped tomatoes (or squish up the not chopped sort)
2 full handfuls of mixed herbs
salt and pepper to taste
2 bottles of red Tabasco
1 bottle of Worcestershire sauce (There is a veggie version about, but I have yet to track it down)
1/2 a bag of soft brown sugar
1 small can of cocoa powder (NOT drinking chocolate!)

Give the whole lot a good stir. Serve with the baked spuds when done. There should be enough for a whole beechmoot of shedizenz... The kids might like a milder version on their spuds. Rinse the bowls and forks out in the sea before packing them back in the (empty) cauldron to take home.

What troll? Bugger, forgot it again! Oh... Just drag the skellington down to the low water mark: the coastguards will think it's a whale and give it to the queen for corsets. 


Lately I was awarded a new title by R.C.T.Q:  R.C.T.Q Madame Chef des Trolls 

In honour of my new chef's hat, here is the latest troll recipe from the test kitchen...


Troll Chocolate Pudding

Just take:

1 large troll (or two small ones)

1 X 7" chocolate Victoria Sandwich cake
2 sachets of Birds Instant Low Fat Custard (or two tins if you prefer)
2 heaped desert spoonfuls of Cadbury's Drinking Chocolate
1 jar of dark red cherries in Kirsch (the sort used for Black Forest Gateau)
Half a pint of whipping cream, whipped.

A large decorative glass bowl

First catch and truss your troll(s). Scrub thoroughly and leave out on the patio/deck to dry.

Then make the custard according to the packet instructions, and add the drinking chocolate to it. Mix until fully combined. Place a circle of greaseproof paper on the custard to prevent it forming a skin and leave to cool.

Chop the cake into 1" cubes and put them in the glass bowl. Sprinkle liberally with the kirsch and cherries from the jar: don't use so much juice that the cake goes soggy! Do use all the cherries...

Cover the cake and cherries with the cooled chocolate custard, and shake the bowl a little to settle it down. Chill for an hour in the fridge.

Dollop decorative spoonfuls of whipped cream round the edge of the pudding. If you are handy like that, you could pipe it, but you waste a lot of cream that way...

Place the pudding in the middle of the table and issue everyone with a long handled spoon. Fight for your share!

The troll? Oh, poor fing!  It froze to death while we were fighting over the pudding! Never mind, I'm sure there are some rose bushes in someone's garden that will benefit from the extra fertilizer.

You can do a blond version of this pudding with plain custard, ordinary Victoria sandwich, 2 large bananas, and sherry. Use dark coloured trolls for contrast.


And here is a special new one for the official R.C.T.Q 2005 Quilting Week:

Troll Pavlova

Find that troll that has been bothering the newsgroup this last week and drag it out into the back porch.  Bop it on the head until it falls over, and truss well with selvage scraps.  Plonk the old treadle base on it's foot to anchor it down...  Then take:


For the base:

12 large egg whites

24 oz castor sugar

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

2 teaspoons corn flour

2 teaspoons vinegar


In a large very clean and totally grease free bowl, beat the egg whites until they are stiff.  Continue beating as you slowly add the sugar...  Continue beating until the sugar has dissolved and the mixture stands in stiff peaks..  Gently fold in the vanilla, corn flour and vinegar.

Spread the mixture gently in four 8" circles on baking parchment lined baking sheets.  Make the edges of the circles a bit thicker than the middles, so there is a slight depression to hold the filling.

Bake in a cool oven (310F/gas 2) for about an hour to an hour and a half.  The Pavlova should be crisp and lightly coloured on the outside and a bit marshmallowy on the inside.  Remove from the paper and cool completely on a wire rack.


For the filling:

4 dessert spoons of caster sugar

8 egg yokes

2 pints of milk

8 oz bitter chocolate

2 heaped teaspoons of corn flour blended with half a teacup of the milk.

2 pints of whipping cream, whipped with a little sugar and brandy

1 large jar of bottles raspberries, drained (save the juice for later)

Some handfuls of dark chocolate drops

In a double saucepan, melt the chocolate into the milk and stir well.  Beat in the egg yokes, blended corn flour and sugar.  Cook gently until the custard thickens.  Place a circle of greaseproof paper on the surface of the custard and let it cool without forming a skin.


When the custard and the Pavlova cases are cool, assemble the pudding:

Divide the custard between the 4 cases. Spread out to fill the hollow centres.  Chill for half an hour.

Divide the raspberries between the Pavlovas and cover with the whipped cream.  Aim to hide all the raspberries and chocolate custard.  Sprinkle a handful of chocolate drops on each Pavlova and chill until needed.

Invite all your R.C.T.Q friends in for a troll-baiting session.  Divide the Pavlovas into generous wedges, carry it out onto the back porch, and eat noisily in front of the troll.  When it whimpers and promises to behave, stop torturing it and let it go.  You won't see that one again!  Trolls are scared of quilters who can eat chocolate Pavlova at such a rate!

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